Meatloaf sobbed. The remote control fell from his limp fingers and clattered onto the parquet floor, the battery door dislodging and one cell flipping out. The documentary on intensive farming had really troubled him and he trudged to the kitchen, his slippers slopping against the floor with each step. He looked in the mirror and burst into song, operatically crooning an AdLibbed number about the plight of cattle. He pulled open the refrigerator door and rapidly emptied it of all meat. The ham, gone. A chorizo sausage, out. Two jars of Shipham's Beef paste, jettisoned. Once all traces of flesh had been removed, he sat at the table and cursed his lack of self control - he couldn't force himself vegan, not yet anyway. I shall rename myself Breadloaf, he thought, scratching his testicles. He began work on a concept album in his back bedroom studio, surrounded by Quorn.

Bread and butter pudding. Frugality at its finest. A comfortingly bland dessert that reminds me of my youth. This is pretty close to the profile in my opinion, gloriously, unctously bland, bread baked with a wobbly sweet milky custard and a crunchy top.

The crepe is buttery and soft and along with the condensed milk and Catalan, creates the bread in custard with a mild spice, the brandy helps with the illusion of bakedness. This is our base layer. FA joy adds to the bready feel with the sweet yeasty notes, and solubs toast gives the dryer toasty bit on top. A tiny drop of super sweet is right for me but you can go higher or drop it. It evolves for a while but is vapable after a few days, you decide. You could get creative if you wanted (you lazy cunts), try adding VTA marmalade or a nice jammy apricot. Knock yourself out.