​Orange Is The New Bunkee: The "Handle With Care" Edition

​They told Cole his Mechanical Engineering degree would change the world. Instead, he became a low income tutor with a bad case of TDS and a 50 year prison sentence.

​Prison didn't silence Cole Tomas Allen; it just gave him a captive, muscular, and slightly confused audience. When he isn't busy using his Mechanical Engineering degree to over-engineer a toilet that automatically plays "The Star-Spangled Banner" when flushed, Cole is deep into his "TDS Manifesto: The Unabridged, Gold-Leaf Saga." This 1,200-page handwritten screed proves that the entire world is a holographic simulation run by a sentient algorithm in the 2024 election’s servers, using quantum-mechanics to make everyone think they are living in a time that isn't actually Trump's 14th consecutive presidential term.

​But the real "Storm" is raging inside Cole’s 6x8 "sanctuary." His heart is a battlefield torn between two intense, forbidden romances.
​First, there is his rugged soulmate, "Steel-Toe Steve," the cellblock leader who only writes sonnets to Cole in red crayon and thinks "patriot de-briefings" involve a whole lot of intimate, non-procreative wrestling.

​Second, there is Cole’s true obsession: the mysterious "The Bigly Boss," a fellow inmate who, through sheer force of will, delusional pattern matching, and a severe case of pattern-matching psychosis, is convinced he is the 45th President. The Bigly Boss speaks only in superlative boasts about "the greatest walls in prison" and whispers deep-state secrets like, "The commissary coffee is actually a weapon of mass distraction."

When he isn't tutoring the cellblock’s most illiterate prisoners in basic geometry for two packs of ramen, Cole is busy pleasing playing footsie with his handsome bunkmate while talking about how he's a revolutionary hero.

They say prison changes a man, but for Cole, it just meant finding a new audience for his 2:00 AM rants about lizard people.